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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."

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Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

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I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've amputated your arms".

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.

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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."